You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Life is a suicide mission.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.