Me :
All Day At Night
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.