left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake