“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.