I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Well, this explains it:
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Hamburger Hinderer.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Finally
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year