I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….