I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
You Might Also Like
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
this country is so goddamn polarized
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Just so funny
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
just witnessed a drug deal
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁