@OldUncleDaveO: I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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@jwoodham: People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
@nealbrennan: Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
@kiel_phillips: INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me? ME: What's the Wi-Fi password? I: About the job M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
@sammyrhodes: I don't speak button, but if I could I'm pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, "Aaaaah! Help me!" right now.