I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
You Might Also Like
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..