I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.