I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me