@SardonicTart: I don't go to the circus. Not because I'm scared of clowns, but because I'm scared of people who go to the circus.
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@T_Longstreth: [Girl over my house] "My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?" [Unclipping my harmonica holder] Def not.
@KateWhineHall: 10yo: You know that's not what they mean by exercise, right? Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
@meganamram: I'm donating my body to science. I'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
@CindyMeakin: What did the boy with no hands get for christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.