I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Batman v Dracula
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this