I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
So sick of all these stupid rules
It was worth a shot 😂
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex