Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
selfie game
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there