I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
This could’ve been an email.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs