I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol