Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
DOOO EEEET
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Every work meeting this week
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?