I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”