Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
adding to the discourse
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.