The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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Every. Damn. Time.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”