I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
You Might Also Like
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me too
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
this FaceApp is creepy af
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.