I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.