@That_Damn_Duck: I don't have a mental problem, I have mental problems...plural.
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@CooIStepDad: [zoo] "This is the bear kids" Wow I want his arms "What? You cant ha.." *kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment* "Bring him the arms smh"
@Marlebean: I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat! -Don't you mean pig? No. He tried to eat my couch!
@iGreenMonk: How girls put on their pants: *Left leg* *Right leg* *Wiggle* *Wiggle* *Jump* *Jump* *Squat* *Stretch* Done..
@ericsshadow: [wife checking on me and the kids] Hello "I called the house, you didn't answer." I went out. "Ok. Well how have they been?" How's who been?