A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
You Might Also Like
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out