@shkeeber: Friend: What happened? 15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses. Friend: What happened? 37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

@QwertyJones3: HER: You can't even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference. ME: Yes I Khan.

@TravLeBlanc: I predict that Obama's next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

@Terdoh: How dare you complain about your life? Someone's mom is Snooki.