@squirrel74wkgn: [flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) "I'll have some."

@danielvisme: I'm not staying up all night to get lucky. If it doesn't happen by midnight, I'm going to bed.

@sirmunchie: Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes "how to spell high-koo" from browser history*

@TheRolo: If love didn't hurt, it wouldn't be called love...it would be called tacos.

@JimmerThatisAll: I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.