DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,