I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.