@kwirkyKerri: I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.
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@SteveSuckington: "Expose yourself to Art" they said "Art will tase you and call the cops on you" they didn't say
@murrman5: [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
@shkeeber: There's no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
@WilliamAder: They're not called "butt hole mirrors." They're called "hand mirrors," according to this clerk at Walgreens.