@kwirkyKerri: I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.
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@TheBoydP: The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you're so hungry...
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..
@ArfMeasures: ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO