@kwirkyKerri: I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.
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@ch000ch: ME: i'm having a lovely time tonight my date: why do u keep yelling "ME" before every sentence
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap in your resumé? Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar
@WilliamAder: There should be a "Life of Pi" TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
@sofarrsogud: Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.