Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
whatcha thinkin bout
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Jupiter
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.