I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Beauty and the Beast
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
This one’s “Alex”.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
my mom making me talk to relatives
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.