I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
When someone trying to leave me
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.