I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
You Might Also Like
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.