I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.