I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.