I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?