I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here