Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
NASA has no chill
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth