I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.