I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m aging like a fine banana