“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning