I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
You know…for fall…
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
i- i did not expect this