Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.