“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.