I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
crying
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.