I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Basketball games are very squeaky.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall