@SodomyClown: I don't kill spiders because when spiders become our mutant overlords and eat us, they will look at me and say, "She's cool. Let her live."
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@DamonHunzeker: Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
@CopBroughtPizza: i just found that children's tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol...
@david8hughes: [me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
@sulkywhitegirl: I like how my autocorrect changes "hun" to "Hun," like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.