Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.