Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.