@ShaneKnowsStuff: I don't know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.
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@clyderun: My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
@NicestHippo: [girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!
@Robert_Beau: Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and she hit the windshield! 911: How's her head? Me: Her sister's better.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: M: I have what they call animal magnetism. H: *sidles up to me* *winks* Oh yeah? M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*