Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Always the camel, never the toe.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The French cow says MEUX…
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one