I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.