My first child will be named New Folder.
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”