It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
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Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.