I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Skills
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.