I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
me after eating Cheetos
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.