@MatMarcotte12: I don't know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we've got joint custody of geese
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@BlondAmbitionTO: On dates, if a man says the past tense of "see" as "I seen" instead of "I saw," I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
@robknepper: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
@LifeUnPinterest: FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her. SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*